Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
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The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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