My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize
