im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
