I'm lost and stupid without you.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
