I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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