you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
