vagina is talking i cant
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
