yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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