after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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