FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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