so that wasnt chicken after all
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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