I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
