Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
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