She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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