Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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