I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
