hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
