yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
