guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
