Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
COCAINE IS GR8
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
