Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
