At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
