ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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