I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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