and my herpes radar will keep us safe
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
