I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
