tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher