my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
