A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
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What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
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If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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