hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
