I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
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of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
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He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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