3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
