I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
