Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
my liver is dry heaving
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
