I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
