also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
