just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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