It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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