My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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