I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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