By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
