She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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