im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
