that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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