I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Even my vagina gasped.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
