im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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