waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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