This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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