i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
