They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
