When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
are you so shy because you have an std?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
