mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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