Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
