I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
