do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
