My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
