i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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