Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
