Betty ford says i'm here all night
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
