Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
